28th, 29th, 30th, 31st December - 1st, 2nd, 3rd January
Song of the day: Look What You've Done - JET

One week ago I blogged. This is a new beginning now, a new chapter in life coz it's a new year. Its funny how you think back to the past, you realize so much has happened but at the time you didn't realize it then later when you look back you just know you've been through it all. When I looked back, I just realize how fast time has passed me by & I don't know if that's a good thing coz nothing everything I want has succeeded but I know I tried so that's the most success out of all. I hope everyone have a very happy new year with heaps of joy & laughter. Life's too short to worry about the little things.

Moments in time. I'm so happy I got to spend NYE with my girlfriend, it sounds simple & all but when your in the moment of it, your so happy coz at least I spent it with someone I love & care about. There has never been a time when I would spend these occasion with the one I love but instead just hang about, I know we didn't do much & missed out on actually going out to see the fireworks but what was the best bit about all that was we were together every single second of it. We were making our time pass by & before we knew it; it was new years although we watched the fireworks on TV, that doesn't matter. I was still with you ... but what made me down was that I saw the tears run down your eye, down your cheeks as you said " 29days . . ". When you said that, it just made me down, I just wanted to make you stop crying & reassure you everything but I can't coz I could only be there at these times to hold onto you & tell you everything will be alright. I tried.

I know it's going to be hard, its hard for me too, after all that we've been through... This is the worst bit. I don't wanna face it but this is life, we just gotta live it. I can't always be there for you but whatever chance I have, I will use it. I don't mind coz what's important is that I love you, I truly do. It tears me apart to know your upset or even see you cry. I know there are times when I am being a dickhead you cry, but on that night ... it was just a new beginning, a new year. You weren't suppose to cry but it's aiight, a new year in my arms is what will stop you from crying. Your too beautiful to cry.

I know there are times when I get paranoid & stubborn over nothing & it bugs the hell out of you but I can't help it. You think that I don't believe you nor do I trust you but guess what...I really do, I just get afraid...afraid of losing you but it will be happening; I don't want to think about it. I know how stubborn I can get, I can just ignore you but you know I can't help it, in the end I always come back coz I hate the thought of not having you. & I'm sorry I get paranoid, I get jealous. When people say " when you get jealous, it's lust not love " well FCUK you coz apart of love is to show you care & jealousy is a part of it. I care enough & worry enough to be jealous & that's how I am. I trust you but I don't trust "them".

Other than that, something bugs me. I don't see how a couple could be together when they are so different, they are not like any normal couple. When your in a serious relationship, you tend to care although you say you don't but when you truly act like you don't...that's not serious. It doesn't matter how long your together, it just doesn't count. You guys can't even talk to each other online & when you do it's one worded answer, you can't even phone properly or talk properly unless your alone. It shouldn't matter if your alone or not, if you guys are committed, it should just work & flow together. I know its not simple & you guys could be together every single day, but what is the point when nothing really works out & you guys just don't try to understand one another. Yet you guys have your arguments & bad times; but whats the point of having them when you guys can't even talk it out? Can't even be bothered or no one wants to back down. I know you'll get tired of always being the one but if you feel so tired about it, why don't you tell the person, why don't you just try to communicate? I don't see the point of the relationship, honestly. What do you see in each other? I know time has been long but time is nothing ... it's what happens & what you guys conquer that means the most.


- JLe.

20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th & 27th December
Song of the day: Common Denominator - Justin Bieber

Wow it's been a week since I've last blogged, I feel so lazy but s'all good; I'm back on this. So this week was kinda the "Christmas-y" week & at these times nothing really matters other than spending time with your family, friends or just the loved ones. I hope everyone had a great time with heaps of joy & laughter.

Its funny we don't really think about what we say until it becomes something so dramatic. Someone can just turn your words & someone can just misunderstand what your tryna say. Sometimes people don't really see how much they mean to you & it'd be your fault coz you just don't "show" it. But what's worst is when they are not sure, when they think its not true & just don't believe you. I know it's hard & everything isn't well but I tell you I LOVE YOU so you just gotta believe me. Take my word for it.

I hate how it happens, how you just sometimes don't believe me. There isn't a way I can really show you as I already told you, nothing can put together to how much I feel for you; how much I care. Everything you do, I want to know. I care & I get stubborn. It's all apart of who I am, I can't help it. I have temper at times when it's not intentional but it happens ... & I don't like it myself when I have my temper. But whatever I do, you know my heart has you, all of you in it.

So these are the days I see you so alot, most days, even nearly everyday but some days are shorter than others. It don't matter about the time spent coz at least I'm with you, seeing you, spending some time with you is all that matters to me. & this year was the first time I actually spent Christmas with my girlfriend, I never actually bothered to separate my time for people on Christmas, it's usually just going out & doing whatever. But this year was different, this year I wanted to spend time with you, wanted to be with you especially on Christmas. "All I want for Christmas is you..."

There are times I just lay in bed thinking, I know your for me but I know that things are happening soon ... & I hope it was good rather than bad. I don't know what to do, just the thought of not being with you tears me apart but it's aiight; we had our time. & things would probably be different later on ... & nothing will be the same again but I'd be happy to the thought that it happened before. I'll be fine & you will be too. I'll always be missing you.

Sneaking out on the 26th was great. Coz being with you the hold night was amazing, just holding you tight in my arms knowing that you mine ... staying up till early morning even though I could tell you were really tired & don't tell me you weren't coz I know you were! >=]


- JLe.

16th, 17th, 18th & 19th December
Song of the day: Turn The Page - Bobby Valentino

I'll learn from my past mistakes, present ones & change for the best. I won't let my anger out on you anymore, well at least I'll try not to. I don't want you having tears running down your cheeks or feel so much hurt that you always feel when your lost & confused. I want you to know what you want & be sure of it, I'll be less stubborn & less of a bitch; I'll try my best to be the best guy you'll have ever been with or ever be with. Keyword is "TRY".


Be with who you choose to be & be happy about it. Don't ever misunderstand me, I've always told you that all you need to do is ask me, never hesitate to ask. It's a part of learning & by asking...we would have less arguments over "nothing". What's worst is that our arguments over nothing ends up being so painful & back round again, it makes it seem like some roller coaster ride which tears us apart & brings us back together. I hate these kind of feelings, I hate this cycle.


Missing bits of my heart is when your not around, that I'll have to learn to live on with. There will always be parts of my heart that's not full. I'll always have you in it. Don't ever think that I'm pushing you away coz surely I don't see that happening but your only to be thinking more about it to make it worst, making seem like I am when I'm not. The last thing I wanna do is push you away.


You are hurting, I am too. The pointless arguments, tears running down, blocked nose...is that all worth it? I only want to make you smile, I only ever want to see you smile but I know you can't help these other emotions & I don't blame you. I could be selfish, I could be a dickhead, I could be anything bad in the world but as selfish as I am, as much of a dickhead I am, you know I love you & somewhere down that path you gotta know I do think about how you feel; I do care. You can call me selfish but if I was selfish I wouldn't agree to anything you do, I wouldn't want anything to do with you but me. You could think that I'm selfish but if you think back, it's not always about me.


Sometimes nothing I say sink in, nothing you do will either but this is going to be painful & I don't know why we're risking so much to still be together at this stage though I'm happy about it. I know it's painful & it'll be more & more painful as days comes closer but as much as it hurts; we're still a team. I know we're gonna have these bitchy days we have, these lovey dovey days the next & some quiet times another but no matter how difficult or awkward our love gets, I'll still be sticking by.


You tell me that it would be hard to move on, but when you think about it... I don't think it would be that hard, hanging about & all; I'm sure someone will come by. Your telling me you don't want another but you will want another, you will love another ... & as much as I don't wanna hear about this, I hear it; I feel it. Nothing I do can stop me thinking about it, it's simple & plain to see but I just really don't want to know. Yes, it'll be hard. Been there, done that. But nothing this big has stroked me, I never thought something like this would & now I'd be only left alone ...


No one can really compare their relationship to ours, no one can actually feel what we've felt & still feel. For this relationship has been at it's highest points to it's lowest points ... neither of us has actually let go. We've been holding onto a thread for so long to only build it up high today but whatever we've built will be tumbling down again. It's like nothing can be stuck together ... nothing is strong enough but the love we have are the most beautiful thing that has happened to me. I never really realized how much I love you until I sit down & look back to what we've actually been through ...

13th, 14th & 15th December
Song of the day - The Things You Do - Shiny

Everything I think about it, it makes me wonder off, I feel the hurt of it but I know I still gotta continue. Maybe I'm not the one whose hurting as much as you, I'm not sure but I know that whatever it is, it'll hurt. I hate how it's not gonna be the same anymore, I can't call you my boo coz you won't be mine anymore. BUT " you will always be my boo, my boo ... "

How can I still feel like this when I know that everything will change, how can I still be in love? How can I still fall more each time? Why can't my loving just stop now? I don't wanna hurt after coz the pain won't be gone for at least a long while. I know there will be days I'm just going to sit and reminisce on the times we had but I don't wanna love no more. I want to stop falling more now. I can't help it, why can't this loving just stop. When I see you, you just put a smile on my face even if its just for 5mins or less, when I see you; it's like nothing else maters. Yes, I know that sounds so corny right now but meh ... it's the truth & I'm not afraid to let you know or anyone else know.

I don't wanna face whats going to happen. I don't wanna hurt. I know it's hurting you more & each time you would feel more down but don't be afraid. Just be happy we had our time. I never knew I'd be in love like this. I remember when I first met you, the first time we were official & the dramas we had. When we first got together, I never knew I'd fall in love, I didn't think of it so seriously until it happened, I lost you. When I lost you, that was when I realized how much I wanted you back & that was when I knew I fell in love.

This kind of love is not ordinary, we've been through so much & most times we've overcame them. We've grew closer & stronger. It's weird how I don't want to let you go but at the same time, I know I got to. I know I'll have to let you go coz it's only for the better & it'll be less of a pain for you. I know that's all good but ... I don't want to. Fcuk my life ...


- JLe.

11th & 12th December
Song of the day - Heart Speaks First - Travis Garland

I told you the other day about everything, I knew it would have been hard for you which it was ... but you had to know anyways. I didn't want to carry on any longer without you knowing or you won't even be prepared later on. I know it was so hard to express what you were feeling coz you were so confused at the time, maybe still confused now. If I did know this was happening, I reassure you I wouldn't have chased after you each and every time, as things were getting into place...I'm sorry to say that it'll be all a mess again.

It will be hard for the both of us, harder to accept that this is actually happening. Each time you may think about it, your tears would start...you don't know how much this hurts me. I try to ignore what will happen more but when I see those tears & the words you say; it makes it so painful for me to look at you. I don't want to see you unhappy, I wanted to make you the most happiest girl alive. I'm sorry this isn't working out as I planned; nothing does. But I told you that you should be happy every single day that we're still together, a smile at every end of the day coz we'll have to make the most out of it.

I know one day you won't be mine anymore, this I just have to accept. Of course it will be hard to see you with another or even hear about it but I also told you that you'll just have to risk again. You don't know how hard it was for me to say those words to you, I just had to pull through & tell you anyways. I don't want you to stay on your own for too long, coz for sure someone will come along & make you happy; happier than I ever made you. You may not want to be in love for a while but please...not for long. I don't wanna know your hurting too much or hurting at all, coz that's just gonna give me pain but don't worry; your not hurting alone.

Sometimes I know that when I'm with you these days, I just want to make you smile. I always do. I just wanna remember your smile, not your tears. & to be the cause of your smile, just makes me happier & feeling less of a stress about leaving. These are the days of our lives, everything won't be forgotten coz I can truly say you are the best girlfriend a man could ever have. Your easy to get along with at times, crazy, loud, retarded in good ways, easy to open up to & you could be very understanding but you know what would catch their attentions? Your a party girl. Every man would be wishing to have you.

So for now, keep the tears away but if you have to; I'll be the here with the shoulder for you to cry on, be here to wipe away your tears & tell you everything will be ok. This isn't for long but I will do the most I can to wash away your sorrows. Whenever I think about it; I know I'd be feeling down too but I just remember the good friends I made & the fun I had but most of all I found love again.


- JLe.

8th, 9th & 10th December
Song of the day: -

Since its past 12 its a new day. Well currently 12 :51 atm & I decided to blog.

Why is it when everything is going so well, something so tragic has to happen? It is going so well but it doesn't stay that way for long. As much as I love you, things tend to change so quickly & I hate it heaps. Nothing ever works well for me, something always comes in the way. You were my happiness, my good times & bad but things have to change so soon.

I personally don't want to see you hurt after all that we've been through. I just wanted to stay happy with you but it doesn't work like that. I hate the rough times we've been together & now this is happening. I know your still young & though we've been through so much, just take it as experience. Its not much but you've truly dealt with the most difficult person in the world.

Just be happy for me. I can't explain it anymore & its killing me that this has to happen but just take it in & be happy. In the future you may be with another & god damn I won't stop you coz I want what's best for you. Just a smile Nm your face makes me happy. I can thank you for the times we've been together & the chances you have offered. I'm sure one day the right one will come by & make you the happiest person alive, more than I ever could.

All I got to say now is sorry. I love you, just don't forget that - ever.

- JLe.

5th, 6th, 7th & 8th December
Song of the day: Put That On Everything - Jackie Boyz

What is this? I'm so confused. I don't know what's wrong, I just get these clues that something is up. I don't find anything wrong until I saw these signs, I didn't think anything was effecting me or us but it really is. Sometimes we argue & all but it all comes together in the end but what is the real problem? I know we could get along so well if we tried to but what is it that's holding us back?

Your telling me you got caught up when someone said "guys are so weird, one minute they love you; the next they don't", well what would make you think so much about that? I love you, I tell you everyday no matter how much we're arguing or hating on each other, I still tell you. There isn't a day when I don't remind you that I Love You. It's not easy to say but to reassure you, I'd tell your daily. That's how it's gonna be as long as possible.

What is it that's really bugging you? You can't go on & believe that guys are weird, you can't believe that one minute they love you & the next they don't coz everyone is different. You can't really be stereotypical about it. It may happen to a few people but we're not all the same. I don't know how it is I'm meant to feel coz I know past does catch on, but what is so bad about that?

Do you really think I still feel the same about her? I still think about her? Why don't you try asking me? Coz for sure I won't lie to make you happy, the truth will only be spoken. I don't feel anything for her let alone think about her, who else am I suppose to think about apart from you? I try not to let whatever happened come between us coz I know we can do better & I know it's hard but if it's always going to come up ... what is the point of us? When everything happens, you only think about the past. I know it's not intentional but it does happen, but together we can conquer whatever is in our way, we can go through any obsticles & still be strong, that's how much I put in this relationship.

- JLe.

3rd & 4th December
Song of the day: Stay - Toni Braxton, War - Jaysean

Today is our 2nd months together, to be honest; we've had the silliest arguments, the stubbornest moments, the most bruises .. ( well from YOU ) & the most laughter these months. Together we've learnt so much about each other well I learnt heaps more about you. I love how sensitive you can get at times, how stupid you can be, how stubborn you are but overall I love you. I didn't know that you could be so different from the rest, we can fight, we can argue but at the end of the day; we're both still together.

Sometimes I know it gets quite rough but this is only the beginning of us, we will probably have many more arguments, disagreements but there comes a time when we will compromise. & when we do, we'll learn more about each other. You just have to put up with how stubborn I get & how bitchy I get but nontheless, I put up with you stubborn moments & stupidity too. (A)

I don't know why we have arguments at times, it seems so pointless but it only gets me closer to you & you can see how I wouldn't let go of you so easily. Even if it seems like I'm losing the spark, don't you worry. I know seasons changes but for sure my love for you doesn't. I know that may sound corny but only on special days like these. ;) I'm not afraid to let the world know that you are my lady & that I love you.

You may see me talking to chixs or whatever but you never have to feel any less important or loved by me coz to me they are different. I don't love them, they are just friends. You may hear that alot but that's only the truth, they are nothing compared to you coz you are my all. My everything. Sometimes I may say stupid things without thinking, but what I say would get you thinking; just never feel insecure about it coz you should know you have my heart.

I'm risking everything, you got the key to my heart. I'm not prepared to lose.

Thank you for putting up with me, I'm sure there would be plenty more months - to come! =D


- JLe.

2nd December
Song of the day: Gravity - Nikki Flores, Better Off - Novel

I know this is the 2nd blog but the one before was blogged last night past 12 but this one is blogged today; 7.54PM. Same day but whatever..

So what I was stressing about last night was all cleared today, I'm glad it was cleared. I just hate how it gets to us so much when shit happens between us that shouldn't even happen in the first place. Yet it was bad how it started off but when everything came clear, you just had to understand what I was tryna say to you.

I may seem like someone who doesn't care about what you do or where you go but you should know I really do care - ALOT. It's not simple to say that it gets to me when you go places with all these random around you or anything coz afterall someone will come onto you. I care enough to let you know coz I don't want to lose you or even want you there...even though you like the fun but it's not a place to be. I don't care if your with your friends or not, I just want you safe away from the trouble, even if I don't hear about it till later - it'll still get to me.

It's not like I don't care coz deep down I do & when I tell you, you say I'm being stubborn...you say I'm stubborn when I don't tell you how I feel & when I do... I don't know what you want but I reckon it's better off if I tell you. So you know how I feel instead of guessing thinking about something else, I don't want you being confused so I'll give it all it takes to make it straight before it goes the wrong way. I know what I say is right & even how much your going to turn the plate, you'll get to me for sure & you will understand me even though it did come to a point where I just wanna go crazy & so frustrated... you came to me at the end as you probably still want to go to such an event .. you clearly said you won't so you better stick to your word. >=]

You probably thought I'd still go but I'm not & I'm going to stay with "daddy" that day waiting for you guys while you have fun! We'll have our "daddy & son" time! =D

It's kinda funny how I can be serious & you'll just have the smile on your face, it was a serious matter but you tend to smile. It's just like when your serious & I'm the one smiling ... Exactly like you have something towards me, nothing can take away my smile as long as your with me. Even if you tell me to let you go ... are you sure you would exactly want that coz as annoying or retarded you may say I am, I'm still holding on!

- JLe.

30th, 31st November & 1st, 2nd December
Song of the day: -

Blogging on my phone coz I must..:12.26am.

I don't know what the problem is.. I choose not to do something when I make up my mind & your still not happy about it. What do you want? How come your still not happy about it..x.x I just don't feel like going anymore coz so much conflicts will be caused. I don't want that, thats why I chose not to go anymore yet your still agro about it.

What am I suppose to do now? I just want you to be happy so I made up my mind, I don't even want you to go to those events coz what's worst is that your a chix. Anything can happen even if your with your friends, shit can happen yet your still being stubborn about it. You don't care but even if you don't I do!

Fuck..this is just getting to me more! You can do whatever, it makes you happy. If it really does than just do it, you said I can't stop you & as much as I tried you won't listen so stuff it. But if anything happens, fuck..so much for I can take care of myself. Meh..this kills me!

- JLe.

26th, 27th, 28th, 29th November
Song of the day: Torn - Letoya

Sometimes I hate seeing other couples around me without my other half around, I know that makes me sound selfish, but it's only the truth. I hate how they can be so lovey dovey & you can only look at them & go "how cute!" but with out your partner you just feel like you don't wanna be around. I know how people would feel withouth their lover around when you all surrounded by lovers. I don't mind that but it just makes me miss the girlfriend even more, but I shouldn't feel anything but happy coz I know she probably misses me too. >=] & I just want to share every moment with you ...

Don't you hate it when some people around you just changes? What happened to being close? It doesn't bug me that you just drift off but at least a notification will do. I don't hate you or diss you coz you decide to go off, I don't mind at all. It doesn't make a big difference in my life but just a call or something to let people know what your doing or what's going on will do. We don't always need you around, it'll always be the same coz we'll just be welcoming you back anytime. But when you decide to full on change, it pisses me off; it makes me MAD. What happened to the innocent you when I first knew you? Someone who just doesn't go off angrily or just those bitch fits, what happened to that person? You get too much of what you want, now you've become so controlling that it makes people turn away from you & not wanna be near you. I don't know how someone can put up with you, coz to be honest if you were mine; I'd cut the chords right now instead of hold on.

Love is a strong word, I don't find love within you at all & I don't see how someone could. Is it what you give the person? The anger you blow out or what is it? The body? HA-HA. What kind of love is this? & to be stupid enough, I don't know why someone would hold on to that. As low as it gets, what can I say? I guess love is truly blind. You don't know whose right for you but of all the wrong choices, someone that could spend all your money, someone that could just control you so strongly, someone that could let their anger at you through whatever, I don't find that loving at all. & to be honest, what kind of love is that? Even if you stick around the person you "love", people don't see it like you do; I truly think your stupid for taking it all. I've told you plenty of times that it's not worth it & I'll tell that person too, until the person realizes but I don't think the person does.

I'm not writing this to diss you of some sort or anything, I just don't see what is right about all of this that is happening. I know you have a life & I'm not a person to say a thing coz it's your life, but I'm just letting my opinions out.

Other than that, we could be arguing about something for so long & it gets to a point when you just can't be bothered right? Well, I know me going to some event might not be so plesant for you to know about but it's not like I would do anything wrong & even if someone comes along, I'd simply walk away. It doesn't matter if I cut that person, I'd walk away to save myself from the trouble I'll probably get into. It might sound like you just don't trust me but I'm sure you do - depending on what, but I'm not gonna do anything wrong & I'll stick to what I think is right. Even if we're going to argue about this, it'll come to an end when you say you don't care but I'm sure you do & probably after that - I would not feel like doing shit but whatever works, is fine. You'll understand me somehow & I will understand you too, it just takes time. I'll never stop trying to get to understand you so even though I sould like a liL kid whinging, you'll get through my head soon. x]

- JLe.

25th November
Song of the day: That's Entertainment - NeYo

Guess it's good now, worked it out although there was a few dramatic shit that happened. I know there can be times when I become a complete dickhead but there is no time when I stop loving you. You may think that I'm not taking this seriously but truthfully, I am. If I was not taking it seriously, I would have just left you hanging, leave you & never try to contact you but it's not like that coz it's something serious.

I know it takes alot for me to open up, to speak my feelings but sometimes I'm just scared that if I give too much in ... in the end I might be the one getting hurt, & when that happens; I'm sure it'll tear me apart. I know you could be feeling the same & I'm glad you still open up to me so from not on as I promised, I'll start opening up heaps more. I'll let you know things in details about what I'm doing and shit like that. It could be said as reporting to you but I rather not put it that way coz it'll make me not be bothered so I'll just say that your my diary. I can let you know what's on my mind instead of making you guess. Coz when you guess, you get paranoid & when you get paranoid...we argue. I don't want that anymore so it's going to be different now. =D

Your a part of me & I don't want to let you go. Coz when you brought up the word "break" it just shuts me down & there I am ... just blank & didn't know what to say. It's true I don't want that coz we can make our ways around that coz I'm sure I wanna be with you even if I act like a little kid at times & can't have a serious face for more than 10mins without laughing when it comes to a serious talk... but that's just me. & if you love me, you'll put up with it. I know I tend to laugh or giggle or just smile but that doesn't mean I'm not serious, I just can't help it. It's me.


- JLe.

24th November;

“Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.”—“So what?”—“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.”—“What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.”—“Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?”

24th November
Song of the day: Through My Eyes - Ryan

Well now that it's in the evening, I'm blogging again coz I have nothing better to do & there are still things on my mind. But firstly...GUESS WHAT?! This is my 70th blog entry, I'm proud of myself, I can't believe I still continued even though most people can't be bothered anymore & just leaves it here .. I still blog .. =D This is the place where I can just let it out, all these thoughts & even if not many people tend to read this anymore, I don't care, I'm still going to blog.

So it bugged me the whole day, I don't know how this could of gone this far yet it has. When the person asked is your -------- fine with this, I just didn't reply; what am I suppose to tell them? That she's insecure or make her sound bad? That's the first thing I will not do, I don't want others thinking your some insecure person or anything coz whatever happens, is between us & no one should be involved. That's how I'll put it out, even if there's a war coming down on us, I'll do my best to fix it right & stop this.

It's my fault, it always is. Everything's my fault. I get it. But before I explain, you could just shut me down straight away from not paying attention to just blowing off, what can I do? What more can I say? When your anger gets a hold of me, I tend to get the anger inside of me too. & when it happens, nothing is said right or properly, everything just turns into fire, turns into a big mess. It's not simple right? ...

If you think I'm giving up on us, that's the biggest wrong of all for starters coz you mean alot me & asssif I'd just let it all slip away like this. I know little things make us blow it but sometimes have we thought back to how stupid it could be? To be in weird situations from something so little, is it worth it? If our love was so strong, I'm sure we could overcome it; I'm sure we'll find other answers to it. Maybe at times we just need to cool down & think over something before we blow it, it's better that way instead of just jumping to a certain conclusion straight away. Have you thought of how many arguments we could get out of, how much happier we could be?

Overall, even if we're gonna have these blow off, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay coz I'm not gonna let my life drift away ... your everything to me, more than I could ever ask for & to have you over & over again, what makes you think its so easy to just let you walk away? Is my love not enough? Do I know show enough affection? I'm not the type to be all corny & soft in relationships, I've built a wall around all that but if you insist, I'll knock the wall down & become a better man with all them corny, soft things I'd say. But really, is that who I want to be? ... If you must .. I'll change, I'll try to at least.

It's not that I have you, the chase is over. It's that I have you & I don't want to lose you, the chase is always on & if I really had to, I'd chase you over & over again, I'll be there. We've been through it all, its more than enough during these times ... & we should find other possibilty to work it out, just ask me questions... I don't know what you want to know. Even if I knew you well enough, it's only you controlling your brain & not me so just tell me, I won't be judging or saying anything bad about it, I just want to know what my baby is thinking.

Don't hesitate anymore ... & the only time you could let out your tears are when its on my shoulder or over something other than our relationship coz the worst thing is ... knowing your upset coz of me.

- JLe.

24th November
Song of the day: Never Knew I Needed - Neyo

I don't know ... I really don't know ... it's bugging me at the moment. It really should be the 23rd but since it passed 12, it's the 24th. I can't sleep so I hopped back on the computer, weird...but since the computer is right in front of me, I don't see why not. =]

So I guess something that was said so simply can turn into a nightmare. When nothing seems alright & shit begins to happen, someone becomes stubborn, someone gets annoyed, someone ignores, someone rages ... all from something so little. We start to disagree I guess, in your way you see it could be so wrong, but to my I see nothing bad about it. You be thinking of all the impossible things, over reacting, thinking too much about it just changes you into another person & yet I sit here & wonder what's going through you mind ... you say your aiight but really ... are you?

I don't see the point of saying your aiight when really, your not. It makes me worried even more coz I can sort of tell by the tone of your voice your not. It's just not right, I can't even sleep ... feeling insomniac. This is bullshit, I can't believe this is happening to me, assif I'd feel this way but I do...& I don't know why, but probably coz you mean alot to me & it just doesn't feel right until I know your fine.

Sometimes I wonder if you do trust me... If you believe me... I don't know, am I suppose to be worried about this at all? But it just fcuks me up knowing you just don't trust me, am I that bad ... ? Am I not worthy of your trust? Is that it? ... I don't know what to think, you could say you trust me, believe me, but by the way you are acting ... just shows me nothing. & it kills knowing you just don't trust me. What's the point of everything if you don't trust me? How is something meant to go on without trust, what relationship does it become?

Fcuk ... this is frustrating me heaps. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know what you want from me. You know whatever I do, I'll tell you & do you really care .. ? Do you not care at all? Fcuk .. what am I suppose to think? You tell me .... I'm just blank now.


- JLe.

18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd November
Song of the day: Lost Footage - Lil Eddie, Promise Me - Ryan

There are times when you reminisce right? & sometimes that could be a bad thing coz when you thought you've forgotten about them, they seem to somehow appear & catch your attention again. You really don't know what can happen with something so little you do, it's just like browsing through old pictures, some things you don't remember doing or some people you don't remember being with, happen to be there. I guess pictures are the things that don't change when everything around us do. That quote could be true coz "pictures last longer".

I don't know if that could be a good or bad thing but I know some things should not be remembered coz it's truly not worth the time. Even if something was so close, it can be changed into just a little insignificant thing to you now, present & future. That's all I got to believe, it's nothing, nothing to me & it has no meaning. I shouldn't even bring it back up coz that's unworthy, life should be spent better, with the people I love & the people that makes me who I am today. I could thank someone for making me stronger, for changing me completely, but that person doesn't mean anything to me anymore or is anything better than trash. I know that's pretty harsh & deep but overall, I thank her for making me stronger, turning me into someone who has deeper thought into what I do & who I fall for. & most possibly, she was the one who made me feel different about things & makes me become mean, slack, whatever shit it is. But that's cool, I like this. Being me, I guess.

Anyways, over & done with that. Sometimes I like the peace & quiet but most times I like the group, loud & just hanging about but I also didn't know just spending time alone with the person you love could be as much fun & it's not boring coz there's always something that comes up. You could get used to being around the same people, doing the same thing but when something changes, you find it much more interesting & entertaining, it doesn't have to be a big change or doing much, but when you try something different, it's not bad. Sometimes being alone with someone, you get to acknowledge them more & sometimes you can just talk to THEM instead of having people around you, bothering or just talking to you. Instead you can talk to them. I like it I guess, it's fun.

I'm going to start doing that more now, to be honest I haven't really done that since a couple of years, just spending time with the loved one or being alone with just one person properly. Maybe it's just some things that changed me .. but I'll get my act together now.

Other than that, I realise that accepting is a part of life, a part of moving forward & growing up ... =D

- JLe.

15th, 16th, 17th November
Song of the day: Lonely When Your Gone - Andrea Martin, All The Thank I Get - Andrea Martin, Long Gone - Nelly

Isn't it annoying when someone is thinking about something or has something on their mind but when you ask them it's always a "nothing"? Yeh, I do that too but I'll try to stop coz I just realized how frustrating it makes me feel when someone does that to me, it gets to a point when I just want to rage the fcuk outta them but I can't .. well not her anyways.

During the relationships I've been through, I have learnt that "nothing is something". & you can't really hide it when it's clear in your face that something is wrong. You can't deny the truth & you can't hide it either, you can't runaway from them coz it'll just catch up to you & make you think about more shit which will hurt you emotionally. It's not fair being in a relationship if your going to think what your confused about or how your feeling & think it's something stupid. You can't just keep it to yourself coz it'll make an affect on the relationship, it'll pull us apart if things don't get solved as soon as possible.

You can be feeling so much emotions within you & you can believe stuff that's not true but what good is that if your just going to keep it all inside? Part of a relationship is sharing, no matter how stupid you think you are; just let the other decide with you so you don't have to go through something alone. Sometimes, you may feel insecure & make you think different of things but once you tell the person, the person can reassure you that what your thinking is just plain stupid coz if you think about how much we've been through, I'd be stupid to mess it up. I don't want you going through any pain, coz what I feel for you is really deep.

Whenever you feel funny about something, you know you can tell me coz I want to know what your thinking, stupid or not. Just let me in, I'll always be here. I can be myself around you & that's what I love about being with you, I can be the biggest kid out, tease you & just be stupid ... coz there's not one bit of you that judges me. I love who I am when I'm with you coz for sure you can be yourself around me too even though your a complete spastic, retarded idiot...I still love you. =D


- JLe.

12th, 13th, 14th November
Song of the day: All The Time - One Republic

It's 1.49am, well it should be the 13th but since it passed 12 it's a new day. Well on Friday it was Friday the 13th which was bad luck & bad stuff did happen, a heap load of it well not that much but enough to be bad.

Trouble came & trouble went, it's stupid how someone can be so low & hit someone only when they're in a group or have a back up but when it comes to being by themselves, they chicken out & don't do shit. It's stupid isn't it? If you really wanted a fight you could have showed up the other times instead of when someone wasn't paying attention & was with girls just talking or doing whatever; first it was bad enough doing in front of someone you said you never will, second you did it in front of chixs which could of been scared, thirdly you do it when the person it by themselves & your with a friend. If that isn't low then I don't know what is, to not keep your word in the first place is bad enough but for what you did, you should feel guilty coz someone you were close to had to witness it & that person was someone you said you'd never do it in front of. What's with all the trouble coz one turns into two & this hatred will go on...

Friday 13th, things didn't go to plan as what some people want but fair enough coz at least I got to spend time with my girlfriend & nothing bad happened between us which was a bonus. But for some others, it's not that easy I guess. Sometimes it's just different, being there to witness things coz it was nice watching you put make up on & getting ready, watching you sleep ( might sound stalkerish but it's not that bad ) & just being with you every single moment are moments to remember. Not all have to be good & I'm not asking for that but there isn't a time that I wouldn't record coz these are the times in life that makes me happy & makes me, ME.
It's not the fun & joy that matters but the little things like watching you do stuff or whatever are bonus for me.

Well for the others that were having problem, it's not easy to say sorry & I know that for myself, if you truly mean it then that's when you say it. You could be so pissed off but even then when you say it others might think you don't mean it, when you do. You could storm off with all your anger but what good it that when nothing is going to be a good cause coming out of it, you just have to put the anger aside sometimes & talk things out. Violence & action are not the way to go at times coz someone may be hurt physcially or emotionally, but that's not the point coz you really don't know what your doing when your angry. It just makes matter worst. So at times you just got to stop & think ...

- JLe.

9th, 10th, 11th November
Song of the day: Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low, Can U - Lil Eddie

I'm so glad I downloaded new songs today, so new song of the day instead of the old songs over & over again or whatever. But s'all good, old songs aren't that bad I suppose; some of them sound better than the new ones & more meaning. I love my R&B + Slow jamz.

So what's been happening? There's not much I guess but things are going up hill these days, nothing I really need to stress over. Everything's so fine right now & I really don't wanna jinx it coz things are falling into place well as it seems, even if shit comes up; it's aiight.

There are times when I hear shit I don't like, it's just what I need to hear I guess...after all what are your ears for right? Sometimes when you hear shit about someone you just really don't want to think about ... it comes up, wish it just never does but it does I guess & what can you do about it? You thought things were fine until you hear her name ... nothing needs to be said but when that comes up, that's when things bug you so much coz you know what you've been through yourself but when that person comes back & comes around ... you just really hate it.

So I thought I didn't need to here your name ever again or anything but why .. just why .. did it have to come back up? What is happening? Why out of all people, place, whatever do you have to come by? It's like a nightmare coming to life again, I hate it, I really hate it. Why can't you just leave me alone & you probably are but in some way or any other .. I tend to hear your name or things about you. I don't want it but I can't ignore it. I tried my best to but I really can't & I hate how this has to work out.

You come for the guys that's far away from you only coz the one's there know all the shit you've done, all the shit you've had & it seems that everything is bad & I didn't see it earlier but when I did, I regret everything. Now I see why people said "you've changed" or shit like that when I was there ... but everything was a show I guess coz I'm happy I saw the real side of you too like every other there did. Words didn't change my mind but what I saw & know now, I did & I'm glad everything changed. You can have all these guys you want but what good is it if it's only something so fake? ... What a life you have, it's so shameful.

Oh & Happy 5 Months to Tram & Huy, good luck.
The D&M talk with Quad ( Daddy), I hope things do work out soon coz you both got something special, you both just really have to realise but it'll take time & if it's love... just hold on.


- JLe.

8th November
Song of the day: I'm At War - Sean Kingston ft. Lil Wayne

Fuck this shit ay, it's so aggravating...here I'm tryna study but I'm distracted & I don't know why? Maybe it's the computer right in front of me or it's just how frustrated I was earlier before. Whatever it is, I gotta get these note done & in my head coz I want to do well as per usual. I'm not gonna give up no matter how fucken distracted I get...=D

So you care about someone but they just don't see that you do, you know that you care but all they don't know. What's good is that? Obviously I do care about someone I love & even people around me, but when it comes to showing it or saying it, I'm just not that good with words. I can say "do whatever" but it can mean I don't want you to, isn't it plain to see or are you just blind? But it's not that fact I don't want you to do it that is suppose to stop you, if you really want to do it; I'll let you but I'd just get pissed off & be over it soon. I'm just like that.

You can mean the world to me but when it comes to doing something you want and stopping you from doing something you want, I rather you just pick your own choice. If you really feel like trying something out or whatever, you do that coz I don't wanna be the one stopping you. I'd be the one to blame for not letting you & it'll make me feel bad coz you just want to try it. I only care for you enough to let you do whatever you want, but I do trust you to know where the line "do whatever you want" stops.

I'm pretty sure you would know too but I wouldn't say anything to stop you & if it does bug me, I'll just walk away like I would so you can do it. You can try but what good is in that? You might get into it & that's what I'm afraid of, I don't want you to be corrupted or any thing. I could be a hypocrite right now but as hyprocity as I'm going to be, I don't want you doing bad shit...but if you want .. you can. That's all I got to offer, your choice & it's really not up to me.


- JLe.