11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th & 18th December
Song of the day: Anniversary - Redd Stylez

Another blog after a long while. There's never a right time to blog these days, I'm always do something or just busy altogether. But I won't stop, I'll keep going.

There ... we said it ... we agreed ... we will survive. The other night we had a big collision, everything was so bad & the tears was running fast. I didn't know what to do coz when we had that talk, it killed me. I just didn't wanna be in it anymore coz everything was killing me, everything was hurting & it's only going to hurt more. But what I said had no intentions of saying it's over, or that I'm leaving you now coz that's not true. I wanna be with you till the end. But when I hear that we'll just live our own life, that part just torn me apart. & I didn't know what to say. I just couldn't take it anymore. But as we worked it out, that's all that matters. I hope you understand me now...

So there are days when I just sit and think of what your doing, where you are & stuff like that but to all my questions, it's answered by just one call. Your the first person I want to hear from when I wake up from my sleep & the last person I want to hear before I go to sleep at night. I make it all true now, coz every moment I'm in contact with you or at least try to, you know I'm trying. I'm just doing what I can do & I know you are too, we're both in this together & even though it's killing us inside, we're keeping it together.

Everything is happening too fast, I don't know what to do anymore or even know what to say to you. It's like what I say just wouldn't mean anything later & I just don't know ... I hate the fact that we're going to end so soon, with so much pain. I've told you all my stories from my past to present & you've told me all yours too. To be my girlfriend, you are the one who knew me most, knew so much & everything. I never actually put so much work into a relationship, I never cared so much before, I never really walked the miles, I never really wanted to hear from them so much, I never properly wanted to see them so much & I never would just risk it all for them. It's funny how I thought everything I had before was all real until I had you...

To me, you are my love. I'd say my first PROPER love. Yeh, well no one has to believe me but you got to, coz what I say is true & I never have to lie to you unless in a joking way. You know I never lie to make anyone happy & whatever I say to you is just from my heart. Every little thing I say is true except for when I'm being slack.

When I think back, I've never actually shared so much with someone before... & to have you with me every day & some nights are the best. I never took my lil cousin out with a girl I was going out with before & with you, I just wanted to. It felt so warm just being together, it was different & I liked it. I could hold your hands & his ... it was ... more than I can say. I won't deny it but that was the best day I had with him so far, from every other day I see him or even take him out. Coz when I suffer, babe; your gonna suffer with me. =D

I don't want to think about how close the day is coming coz it just makes me feel so cold. I don't wanna leave your side coz I just want you in my arms, but what's gonna happen; will happen. There isn't a thing that could stop us. I just don't want to think about it, it's like my life had ended ... I don't want another but you may think I'm saying this now. We're both young, we don't know what's happening & in the nick of time everything we change. For now, I'll stick to my words.

I hate it when people ask me the stupidest questions like " aren't you sad your leaving her? " well no fcuking shit I am, what am I suppose to do? Be sad in front of her, in front of you? What's that going to do? Are you stupid or ARE YOU STUPID!? I know it'll make it harder for the two of us if I am sad in front of her or even act of it, so why would I put her in that sort of pain? Make her feel worst. I don't want to see her cry, coz when I do; a part of me just dies. I don't know what to do or say coz I know that it'll be my fault. All I can do is just wipe away her tears & hold her tight. So all I want is just a smile on her face, all the time, each day that I'm with her & always...


& all I can say is I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. But I'm not sorry the one you love had to be me. =D